Please don’t be expecting a ‘how-to’ step by step guide on how to look like Lady Gaga. No, I wanted to share my journey with you. A journey of freedom which led me to be free from the need of make up.
I started dabbling with make up at a very young age, like most girls. But it quickly got a tight grip on me and I found that I needed it in order to get attention from boys. You see, I was part of a crowd who were very active in the boy department, some even sexually active. Because I was a good church girl these things both scared me and intrguiged me at the same time. Would a boy ever find me attractive? Would I ever have a boyfriend? Would make up help me get a boyfriend were all questions which I asked myself as a young teenager.
I didn’t wear make up, I caked it on my face to make myself look like I thought boys wanted. I wore hideous eyeshadow, far too much foundation and dont even get me started on the amount of lip gloss I went through.
The truth is that make up never got me any real attention from boys, I didn’t get a boyfriend. My self esteem was very low and so I kept wearing the false face and kept looking for a boy to give me attention.
I got the attention alright, the wrong attention. At the age of fourteen I was sexually abused.
After that I decided to wear make up for a different reason, the same reason I decided to dress in baggy clothes and colour my hair black; I wanted to hide. I didn’t want any attention from boys anymore I wanted to be a shadow and for many years I was. Disappearing into corners and blending in with walls. No one noticed me and that was the way I liked it.
At the age of seventeen, the need for attention from boys was awoken in me again and I slipped into a destructive relationship. No longer was I able to slip into the shadows, I was told what to wear, how to do my hair and yes, how to wear my make up. I stayed in this destructive valley for a few years and then finally ran away and jumped completely into Gods arms.
After being in a loveless, painful relationship for so long I was desperate to attract a ‘good Christian boy’. I went to church meet a husband, to meet a guy who would make me whole and complete. The wrong reasons. But Church was more like a dating ground than the worshipful environment it should have been. I dressed smart and for the boys. I went through some crushes and broken hearts and then I met my husband.
My husband who so rapidly fell in love with the real me that it didn’t matter what I wore on my face or my body, he just cared so deeply for my heart and soul that he managed to see past the outside.
It was at this point that I realised with new mascara free eyes that God see’s my heart. No, wait, you don’t get me – he seeeeee’s my heart. The inside of me, where feelings and emotions, where motives and motivation could not be hidden with a sweep of a make up brush. So I began to concern myself more with the state of my heart than my face. I worked with the glitter of the bible rather than the glitter of the eyeshadow I once hid under. The more I became engrossed with the word of God the less I became concerned with how I looked. God heals. God mends and its a good job because I was broken.
Hope and faith comes from hearing word of God, and the word of God becomes truth the more you immerse yourself in it and the more you immerse yourself in it, the more God proves faithful.